Thursday April 6

Thursday April 6

LEFTY

REDNECK

What follows is one of the funniest stories I've heard in a long time. It has something for everyone: hilarious humor, clever thinking, revenge, and a source of vicarious triumph! Enjoy!

Which of these guys is the biggest jerk?

from “555-4822” by Patrick Hanifin

Not get this. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, “Hello?” I politely said, “This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?” Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn’t believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin’s correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits.

After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled, “You’re a Jerk!” and hung up. Next to his phone number, I wrote the word “Jerk” and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I’d call him up. He’d answer, and then I’d yell, “You’re a Jerk” and hang up. It would always cheer me up. Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me; I would have to stop calling the Jerk. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, “Hello!”

I made up a name. “Hi. This is Herman with the telephone company and I’m just calling to see if you’re familiar with our caller ID program.”

He went, “No!” and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, “That’s because you’re a Jerk!”

And the reason I took the time to tell you this story is to show you how, if there’s ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 555-4822.

The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn’t think she was ever going to leave. Finally her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the stall. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she’s finally leaving.

All of a sudden this black Camaro came flying up the aisle in the wrong direction and pulls into her vacated space. I started honking my horn and yelling, “You can’t do that, buddy! I was there first!” The guy climbed out of his Camaro, completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn’t even hear me.

I thought to myself, this guy’s a jerk…there’s sure a lot of jerks in this world, I noticed he had a FOR SALE sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

A couple of days later, I’m at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 555-4822 and yelling, “You’re a Jerk!” (It’s really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I’d better call this guy, too.

After a couple of rings someone answered the phone and said, “Hello?” I said, “Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?” “Yes, it is.” “Can you tell me where I can see it?” “Yes, I live at 1802 34^th Street. It’s a yellow house and the car’s parked right out front.” I said, “What’s your name?” “My name is Don Hansen.” “When’s a good time to catch you?” “I’m home in the evenings.”

“Listen, Don, can I tell you something?” “Yes.” “Don, you’re a Jerk!” And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up, I added Don Hansen’s number to my speed dialer.

For a while, things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jerks to call. Then after several months of calling the jerks and then hanging up on them, the whole thing started to seem like an obligation. It just wasn’t as enjoyable as it used to be.

I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution.

First, I had my phone dial Jerk #1. A man answered, saying, “Hello!” I yelled, “You’re a Jerk!” But I didn’t hang up. The jerk said, “Are you still there?” I said, “Yeah…” He said, “Stop calling me!” I said, “No!” He said, “What’s your name?” I said, “Don Hansen.” “Where do you live?” “1802 34^th Street. It’s a yellow house and my black Camaro is parked out front.” “I’m coming over right now, Don. You better start saying your prayers!” “Yeah, like I’m really scared, Jerk!” and I hung up.

Then I called Jerk #2. He answerd, “Hello!” I said, “Hello, Jerk!” He said, “If I ever find out who you are…” “You’ll what?” “I’ll kick your butt!” “Well, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now, Jerk!” And I hung up.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them a big gang fight was going down at 1802 34^th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34^th street to watch the whole thing.

I turned onto 34^th Street and parked my car under the shade of a tree half a block from Jerk #2’s house. There were two guys fighting out front. Suddenly there were about 12 police cars and a helicopter. The police wrestled the two men to the ground and took them away.

A couple of months go by and I get a call for jury duty. I was picked to be on a trial of two guys charged with disorderly conduct. As luck would have it, it happened to be the same two guys. I might have influenced the jury, because when they announded the verdict, they said, “We find the defendants to be guilty…and a couple of jerks!”

Friday's in sight! Hope you're doing all right!! May you have a pleasant night!

And remember to keep it funny, hot & spicy!